Infertility: An Unspoken Trauma
A few months ago, I was invited to be a guest speaker on an episode of an infertility podcast (Busted Ovens. Check them out!). While on there, I mentioned the term reproductive trauma and was met with some surprise. “What is reproductive trauma? I haven’t heard that term before.” It was at that moment that I realized that I had also not heard the term while I was undergoing infertility despite having been a therapist for several years by that point. As I was coming up with a list of possible topics for a new blog post, I remembered this conversation and thought it would be a good time to shed some light on this important, and yet often unheard of, term.
Nearly all the literature I’ve read or come across on infertility talks about the “reproductive story” – the notion of what pregnancy will be like, what our children will be like, and even what we will be like as parents. The experience of infertility dramatically changes our reproductive story. According to Dr. Janet Jaffe at the Center for Reproductive Psychology, our reproductive story is so closely connected to our sense of self that nearly any issue that comes up while trying to conceive can feel like a personal failure and an inability to live up to our own expectations. The change to the reproductive story is powerful and can impact individuals in a variety of ways.
So, what kinds of things can impact our reproductive story? Enter reproductive trauma. But what is it exactly? Reproductive trauma is somewhat of an umbrella term. It can include a range of experiences from infertility to miscarriage to abortion and can even include complicated deliveries. In the book Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility, the authors state, “Infertility is a trauma because it attacks both the physical and emotional sense of self, it presents us with multiple, complicated losses, it affects our most important relationships, and it shifts our sense of belonging in the world.” Reproductive trauma has sometimes been described as an experience that occurs on a spectrum and yet it all ultimately is rooted in the same thing – the loss of the dream of being a parent.
A unique aspect of reproductive trauma is that it isn’t a one-off experience. For example, when in the case of the death of a loved one, there is generally a mourning period, funeral services, and people who offer condolences. However, the same cannot be said for those who have undergone certain kinds of reproductive trauma. Generally speaking, there aren’t any customs to recognize the loss experienced by those undergoing infertility or miscarriage, which tends to add to their feelings of marginalization and isolation. Additionally, people experiencing infertility tend to re-experience their trauma month after month, negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. On top of coping with a failed intervention, they feel the combined effects of all that they have been through reproductively up until that point.
What can we do then? Anyone undergoing infertility will tell you that they have likely heard this bit of well-meaning advice repeatedly: “Just relax and it’ll happen.” (Big yikes, by the way. Please don’t do this!). Instead, try to engage in activities you used to enjoy, but maybe haven’t done in a while because you’ve been so focused on achieving pregnancy. Give your feelings a voice and talk about them with someone you trust or write about them in a journal. And just as importantly, don’t forget who you are. You exist outside of the bubble of trying to conceive. Remember who that person was and go back to them. These suggestions are only the tip of the iceberg.
One of my favorite things about therapy is that it’s a safe place to say all the things that you might not be able to say to your family, your friends, your pregnant co-worker. About how unfair it feels. How tired you are. How sometimes you want to give up. You don’t say those things for fear of judgement. Well, if that’s you, I’m happy to listen. Judgement-free.
Thanks for reading.
And as always, be kind to yourself.
Sincerely,