Infertility, you suck.
In the summer of 2014, I walked into an office I never thought I’d see the inside of – that of my new Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). A year and a half of trying to conceive hadn’t been successful and despite my stubbornness, I finally relented and allowed myself to admit that I needed some help.
Initial tests confirmed what I had already strongly suspected – we were both healthy adults without any clear issues and were diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility. I began to hear from peers and well-meaning loved ones that this diagnosis was good, it meant there was nothing wrong. But as our RE pointed out, what this diagnosis actually meant was that available tests weren’t able to capture what was clearly preventing a pregnancy from taking place. After this, I quickly and quietly stopped sharing information about our journey. Unfortunately, this is a common occurrence with individuals trying to conceive via use of assisted reproductive technology – where they once are open and communicative with others, this changes over time and we have a tendency to turn inward.
What followed after these initial visits were 2.5 years of tests, medications, procedures, and more ultrasounds than I could ever have possibly imagined. The journey felt long and lonely. I vividly remember the anxiety I felt when we agreed to try in-vitro (IVF) after 7 failed rounds of IUI cycles. After all, IVF was a whole new ballgame – it was significantly more expensive, involved, and asked us to quite literally put it all on the line for something that had no absolute guarantee of success.
Infertility is a more common occurrence than most people think. Approximately 10-15% of couples will experience difficulty achieving a successful pregnancy (reproductivefacts.org). It is often an exhausting process with varied outcomes, significant cost that’s not usually covered by health insurance, and a myriad of emotions, feelings, and thoughts. Infertility treatment is also not always experienced equally. Generally speaking, one-third of infertility cases is related to the female partner; one-third is related to the male partner; and one-third is related to both parties or considered unexplained (in heterosexual couples). And yet, the vast majority of treatment and procedures (with only a few exceptions) are performed on women and women are typically the identified patient in RE offices. This, among other things, can cause difficult feelings, such as guilt or anger, in one or both partners. Relationship difficulties are just one of the issues that can be experienced by couples. Additionally, women undergoing infertility have been reported to experience increased symptoms of anxiety and/or depression when compared to those not undergoing infertility treatment (ASRM Mental Health Group).
Undergoing infertility is a challenge. It can be isolating, exhausting, anxiety-provoking, and scary. Sexual intimacy with a partner can go from being something fun to feeling like a chore. We start to wonder why our bodies aren’t doing the things they’re supposed to be doing. Quite possibly for the first time in our lives, we have to become comfortable injecting ourselves with hormones multiple times a day, find ourselves rearranging our schedules throughout the week to accommodate doctors appointments, and feel the weight of mounting stress. However, as lonely and difficult as infertility can feel, it doesn’t have to be. The right therapist can help you to navigate through this experience and feel supported throughout your journey. Therapists can assist with making sure you have healthy coping skills to manage any distress and can hold space for you to experience the feelings and say the things you might not feel comfortable sharing with others. If you feel ready to talk about your experiences, feel free to reach out by calling or texting (314) 668-2623. You can also head over to the Contact page and send me a message that way. I look forward to talking with you and supporting you through this process.
Take good care and thanks for reading.
And as always, be kind to yourself.
Sincerely,
Ayleen
Resources